To Camdyn on her 8th Birthday

Dear Camdyn,
It's hard to believe that you are 8 already. 8. My favorite number and also what is shaping up to be my favorite age so far. You have become your own independent person, no longer requiring my help to get cereal in the morning or shower at night. You know boundaries and consequences, and yet, you still reach for my hand in a parking lot, or wrap your arms around my waist in the kitchen...just because.  


Sometimes while we are driving in the car I'll glance over at you and I can almost see what you'll look like at 16. Maybe it's the way your hair is braided down your back, or the shape of your face, or the look in your eyes as you gaze out the window...I can see you growing up and it scares me and thrills me at the same time.
Your teacher describes you as great helper and incredibly sweet, and you are. You often take Chloe under your wing. You console her when she is hurt or scared of the dark. Almost every night I find her squeezed in your bed beside you. You love her even when you are irritated with her, and I'm grateful that you have each other.  Sometimes when I've had a long day, or am feeling overwhelmed, you'll hug me and remind me that I'm your only mom, you'll tell me that I am the best mom ever, or that I'm pretty, or that no one can replace me.  That's the sweetness in you.  You are sensitive yet strong.

. 

My wish for you over the coming year is that you continue to work hard in school; that you embrace your love for reading and knowledge. I hope you continue to feel loved and cherished in both of your homes and by all the people who surround you. I hope you hang on to your dreams and that smile of yours and that you never let anyone burn either of those out. My promise to you, is that I will do my very best to give you the life that you deserve. Although we are no longer on the road we started on, I believe that the one we are on is leading us exactly where we were meant to go.



Be bold. Be Strong. Stay happy.

I love you forever & always,
Momma

Now We Are Six

"When I was One,

I had just begun.

When I was Two,

I was nearly new.

When I was Three

I was hardly me.

When I was Four,

I was not much more.

When I was Five,

I was just alive.

But now I am Six,

I'm as clever as clever,

So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever."

~Now We Are Six, A.A. Milne

Dearest Camdyn,
It's hard to believe it's been a year since my last birthday letter to you.  When I revisit my description of you last year, I simply smile.  Time is evolving and ever changing, and none of us are the same people we were a year ago.  You, my love, have replaced the defiance with compliance and understanding.  Kindergarten has matured you quickly.  You are now the peacekeeper with your sister far more often than you are the fire starter.  At times she will pull out fists full of your hair and your response is "Hey. Why'd you do that?"  It amazes me that you never retaliate.  You know your role in our family.  You know that you are the leader and the example for Chloe, and you are so comfortable in that role.

For this coming year, my wish for you is that you continue to love school, and reading, and that you feel loved and safe and secure.  I hope you continue to grow confident in who you are and that you stand by what is important to you.  And, I hope you know exactly how much you are loved.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl,

Love You Forever & Always,
Momma

To Chloe - 2.5

Dear Chloe Belle,

Funny. As I type your moniker I think of your little voice saying "No. My name is Chloe!" You aren't too keen on your nickname anymore, and are often quick to tell us your full name, which sounds like such a mouthful coming from your little lips.

So, here we sit at 2 1/2 and things aren't so black and white anymore. There is this element of predictability that is nice, or convenient or maybe both with babies. In toddlerhood, that fades, and we are now in the phase where we never know what is in store for us.

Sometimes in the morning, you detest wake up time. I can sing the Good Morning song to you and you scream for me to leave the room. You cover your head with a blanket and wish to hold on to the darkness.  Other times, you wake smiling and singing along with me. It's a crap shoot, really.

The same is true at bedtime. Sometimes you stall, and you want to read one more story. You cry and flail and make a huge production when it's time to shut off the light.  Other times, you willingly shut the light off and then crawl in to my lap only to say 5 seconds later, "I go to bed now."  Either way, gone are the days of contented rocking in the chair.  I still try.  Every night I try, but rarely does it result in one or both of us falling to sleep.  It's still my favorite part of the evening though.

Developmentally, you are progressing, growing, and learning just as you should be.  You know all of your colors, you count to 20 in English, and to 12 in Spanish.  You are interested in learning your letters and often recognize, A, B, O, C, and S without hesitation.  You engage in pretend play right along side your Sissy now, who you prefer to call Camdyn instead of Sissy.  You both like to sit at the kitchen table with your stables and toy horses and play at length.  Your horses have conversations just like Cam's do, it really is the sweetest thing.

Your potty training is nearly complete.  You've been in big girl panties during the day since you turned two, but it's taken awhile to get comfortable with the deuce.  You still prefer a pull up for that business, but we are getting away from that now, and your pull up days are numbered.  You really were a breeze to potty train.

Your favorite things still include your blankie, your paci, baby, and your crib.  Oh, how you love your crib.  I speak of getting you a "big girl bed" often, but you aren't having it.  You love your crib.  Honestly, I love your crib too.  I love knowing you are safely confined in it, I love that you get good rest while you are in it, and that you don't have the temptation of toys to interrupt your sleep.  You can have your crib...for another six months.

As much as you have changed over the past six months, some things are still wildly the same.  You are still a screamer.  When you get really frustrated, embarrassed, or really mad, instead of using words, you just scream...scream at the top of your tiny lungs.  A few weeks ago, you were playing at a party and bumped your head on a metal railing.  When I asked you if you were okay, you simply screamed at me.  I tried to comfort you, but to no avail.  You screamed louder.  I began to stifle a laugh because you were really causing a scene, and when I could no longer contain my laughter, you really got mad, and took the scream to a whole new level.  I finally had to have Daddy come over and help you regain your composure while I walked away.  I know why you screamed.  You screamed initially because you were hurt, and then you were embarrassed, and then you were just flat out mad that I was laughing at you.  I'm sure bystanders mistook your scream for a tantrum, but I know the reason.  I know you.

While you've found your gentle hands, and your words in most cases, you still have that big, giant voice.  You have that ability to stand up for yourself and to make your desires known.  You are fiercely independent and headstrong.  You are testing the waters, dabbling in disobedience, it's the natural course, really.  It's what you are supposed to be doing as you figure out right from wrong and consequences.  But, you are also sweet as spun sugar; helpful as the day is long.  You love to snuggle in front of the TV, help me pick up toys and unload the dishwasher.  You are caring and motherly to friends that get hurt. 

You are the calm and the storm.   

And I am happy to weather both.

Love you Forever and Always,
Momma

To Chloe Belle on Her 2nd Birthday {Slideshow}

Dearest Chloe Belle,
Now, two years after the day you joined our family, it feels as though you have always been here.  I can hardly remember the times when I was not Momma to two little girls.  It seems as though your little blondish head has been bee-bopping right along with your sister's since the beginning of time.  I dig that about having two kids. 

Tomorrow we will celebrate you in a very spur of the moment, impromptu, birthday party that has ever been planned and executed in a mere 3 days.  It's my fault really.  I couldn't quite come to terms with leaving you on the night of your birthday to go to that concert that I really wanted to go to.  So, I procrastinated, hoping at some point it would feel right.  It never did.  So, with 4 days left until the main event, I decided that you should have a party and we would celebrate, because my dear, that is what feels RIGHT. 

We'll celebrate everything about you that is Two.  We'll celebrate your reluctance to have your diaper changed, unless we are laying you down on the memory foam bathmat that we purchased just for that purpose.  We'll celebrate your open mouth laugh and the high pitch squeal that comes with sheer excitement.  We'll celebrate your love for Nay-Nays and cows and revel in the way the words "baby cow" and "I nice to Trace" sound as they come out of your tiny mouth.  We'll celebrate your sweetness; the way you give bear hugs and your insistence on kissing Daddy & Sissy before we rock at bed time.  We'll celebrate your sour side too; the side that knows what she wants and does whatever she can to get it. 

We'll celebrate all that is YOU.

As your birthdays begin to roll by...as two becomes three, and three becomes four, I am aware at just how precious each year is.  Next year at this time, the toddler will have worn off and pre-schooler will be written all over your vocabulary, thoughts, and actions.  No sooner do I adjust to it, will you be entering the doors of Kindergarten.  Time can't stand still and I don't want it to.  I just want to remember it.  All the quirks and nuances that make two such a fun age.  The new sentences like, "I don't want it" and "I wuv you more" that melt my heart and befuddle me at the same time.  The skinned knees and tiny hand holding; the playground adventures; and big crocodile tears.  I want to lock them away in my memory bank; the toddler in you won't last another year.  You are growing up. 

And, I want you to grow up....but....I never want you to feel too old to call me with your problems.  I never want you to feel too old to crawl in bed with me at night when you are sad, scared, or lonely. 

I want you to grow up always feeling this loved and protected and adored.  I want you to grow up knowing that home is always home, and that you have a soft spot to fall.  I want you to grow up and be you; keep the fire in your eyes, let the sweetness shine, and grow in to the wonderful little girl you are destined to be.

But somewhere behind my smile, I'll be wishing that you never grew up.  I'll be wishing that things were always this simple.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Sweet Bellie Boo

Love Forever and Always,
Momma

You Don't Know Her Like I Do....

There are moments in motherhood when you feel judged.  Moments when you feel the condescending stares from complete strangers in the parking lot of Target while a little one throws a fit over sitting in her car seat.  There are moments when you feel like you have no idea what you are doing, moments when you just don't know how to fix it.   Moments of helplessness and inadequacy.  Well, that is my experience anyway. 

Dear Chloe Belle,
In the wake of the Superbowl party, I need to let you know that I understand.  And, while I don't necessarily condone your behavior....I get you. 

From the moment you could control your arms & legs with purpose, you have expressed your will.  You have always been protective of your own space, and quick to cry with displeasure when strangers would peer into your bucket car seat for a glimpse of your baby face.  You never did like being looked at by people who were foreign to you.  That hasn't changed.  Now that you are older you will swat in displeasure from the doting gaze of a stranger and say "No" which is your own version of "Stop looking at me."  You will repeat this over and over until they finally look away, or until your attention is shifted. 

For the past 12 months or so, Sissy has been yanking toys out of your chubby hands whenever she feels like it.  Until recently, you let her, because you didn't have a concept of "mine."  Well, now you do.  Now, you are fiercely protective of what is yours.  You don't share Baby, you don't share anything related to baby, her stroller, or her blankie, and I understand that.  You've been conditioned that way...it comes with the territory of being a sibling, of protecting what's yours, staking your territory, and standing your ground.  It sometimes comes to pushing & shoving, and the dreaded hair pulling to keep what's yours, yours, and I cringe.  I remind you to use gentle hands.  I put you in time-out.  But, I understand. 

Last Sunday at the football party, I hellicoptered over you the entire evening.  I did my best to protect unsuspecting Littles who ventured too close to your stroller, or your baby from meeting your flailing arms.  I hung my head, when you pushed.  After 3 hours of this exhausting following and cautioning, I had finally had enough.  As we drove home that night we talked about Camdyn's great behavior and manners, and how you struggled, and I cried.

I found myself wishing that strangers could know you like I do. 

That they could see the sugar in your soul, that lies underneath the fire in your eyes.  That they could see how you are content to sit on Momma's lap for 30 minutes just to rock and snuggle; how you stroke my hair gently and often plant kisses on my cheeks without prompting.

They don't know you like I do.

How you hug your sissy, just because, and insist on kissing her before you go to bed.  I wish they could see how you share your afternoon snack with your friends at the park, and how you laugh and giggle until I think your belly will explode. 

They don't know you like I do.

And I marvel at the fact that you are wired completely opposite of me, and I wouldn't change it.  I often feel like a walking doormat.  I'm that girl that could never shout out an answer in class because I didn't have the voice.  I'm that girl that can't express frustration and displeasure because I'm afraid of hurting someone else's feelings.  I verbally choke when it comes to confrontration.  I don't want that for you. 

I want you to take that voice that I've been writing about for months and use it.  I want you to keep speaking up even if it offends, or rubs people the wrong way.  I want you to stand up for what is yours, what you believe in, and speak what's on your mind.  So, while I'm anxious for you to find those words so that the hitting, pushing, and hair pulling will stop, I don't want you to stop expressing.  I don't want you to stop being you.  I want for you to be the out-spoken and boisterous woman that I am not.

I want you to keep being you no matter what the world thinks. 

And I'll keep loving the sugar that is your soul.
Love you Forever & Always,
Momma

To Camdyn on her 5th Birthday

Dearest Cam,
This morning Daddy and I woke you up with the happy birthday song.  We let you pick out your special birthday outfit and you couldn't wait to get dressed.  You chose your polka dot, twirly dress, with pink leggings and your brand new pink cowgirl boots and your toothless grin was your accessory. 

At exactly 7:29 this morning I smothered you with birthday kisses.  For your entire birth minute daddy and I took turns kissing your not-so-chubby cheeks and loving on you.  You squirmed and giggled and enjoyed every moment of it.

Today is your special day.  Today is my special day.  Five years ago today, you taught us what love is.

I think for that very reason your birthday will always hold a special place in my heart.  You are our firstborn.  You are the one that taught us what life is all about.  You taught us that love can make your heart explode with joy and can also harbor with it the greatest worry and grief imaginable.  You taught us about responsibility and commitment.  You've showed us our weaknesses and inadequacies, yet loved us as though we could move the world.  You are the one that made us a family.

Today, I look back upon your babyhood and I smile.  Those newborn nights that seemed to last forever surely didn't.  How quickly they passed.  Our night-time rendezvous now revolve around sips of water and trips to the potty and spoken "I Love You's." 



You need me less but I love you more.

It's getting harder and harder for me to remember specifics about your babyhood, your first words, how much you talked, when you were potty trained, etc.  And while those might be trivial milestones in the grand scheme of things, one thing is for certain, you are who you've always been. 

A tough and jovial toddler has yielded way to a pre-schooler who is much the same.  You never cared much for crying even when you took spills that made my heart skip a beat.  You rarely tantrumed as a toddler and took well to reasoning and rational thought.  You've learned well from that.

You are my negotiator.  You present your argument and you try your best to get me to change my mind.  You make it extraordinarily difficult to stand my ground.  But, I do, and your response is "Bummer."  Yes, my love, Bummer. 

I see myself in you.

There is a piece of me that is not sad to say good-bye to the 4's.  As with every stage its had its highs and lows.  I've enjoyed your extensive imagination, and your ability to hold a fluid conversation.  I've enjoyed your memory and love listening to you re-tell events from years passed....that always boggles my mind.  But, with this stage came serious boundary testing, bedtime battles, and defiance.  I think it's par for the course, and I also think I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This year you'll head off to Kindergarten.  I'm excited for you, and although I may cry as I pull away from your school, I will not worry about you.  You are a social butterfly.  You make friends at every play date and every trip to the park.  I believe this to be a genetic trait.  You will be just fine in Kindergarten.  You will make your own way.

I see myself in you.

And, while this year may bring with it scores of change and your world will open up far bigger than the rooms at pre-school and at home, I trust you.  I trust you to say the right things, to do the right things, and to make the right choices.

Yesterday, I questioned you.  Someone had moved my bamboo plant from the counter to the table.  I asked you if you did it and you cracked a smile and then said, "I didn't do it.  Someone else did it."  I said, "I hope you are telling me the truth."  You replied, "I am telling the truth."  Daddy confirmed that he moved the plant so it could get better light and I rewarded you with a special piece of chocolate for telling momma the truth.  And, I hope you always do.

So, big girl, as you look over your shoulder at me quickly as you forge ahead to a world of unknown possibility, always remember how much Daddy and I love you.  Remember that our hopes for you are endless and trust that we always have your best interests at heart.  There will be a lot of growing up that you do in the coming year.  Part of me looks forward to it and part of me dreads it.  You'll always be my baby, my first baby, and the one who changed my life.  So, press on my head strong and bold little girl.  Make your waves in the world and always remember exactly who you are.  We couldn't be more proud of you.

Happy Birthday.

Love you Forever & Always,

Dear Chloe Belle - 20 Months

Dear Chloe Belle,
Today marks the day that you turn 20 months old and I am cognizant of the fact that there are only a handful of "month birthdays" left.  In four short months, you will celebrate your 2nd birthday and from there on out you will simply be 2, or 2 1/2, or 3 in March, and the number of months since your birth will escape my mind.

Your baby-ness is fading.

This weekend we are preparing for a garage sale and I decided to part ways with all things baby.  I believe that I have finally come to terms with the fact that you are our baby, the last baby, and that will be your place in our family.  As I was sifting through the bins and bins of clothes that you and your sissy wore, I came across the outfit that you wore home from the hospital.  It seems so tiny and sweet.  I just couldn't part with it, so I'm saving it for your Hope Chest.  One day, maybe you'll dress your little girl in it for a picture.

Your baby-ness is fading.

I think I best described you earlier this month when I wrote that you are all sweetness and spitfire.  You know what you want and what you don't want.  You are quick to push others away when you want your space or when you don't feel like being looked at or doted on.  Often, you won't allow me to push you in the swing at the park.  You push me away and favor being pushed by Miss Becky or Daddy.  That's okay with me.  For I know you.  I know that in the middle of the night when you wake, it is my name you call first before you begin with the endless string of "Daddy-s."  When you fall or get hurt, it's my name that you call out, and my chest that you love to snuggle on.  I know I have a place in your little heart.  That's the sweetness in your soul. 

Your Baby-ness is Fading.

You've recently undergone a vocabulary explosion, adding so many new words that I can't even keep track.  This week you said "Becky" for the first time as well as "Button."  You still call your milk "Mi-Mi" and prefer your bottle before bedtime over the sippy cup.  Oh, how I've tried, but you are relentless, and I am, well...tired.  I don't see the harm in the bottle, so I'll just follow you. You'll give it up when you are ready.

Your favorite game at the moment is BUS!  On our way to school you and Sissy shout "Bus!" every time we see one....you both giggle and laugh and get so excited.  It really starts the day off right to watch you two enjoy that together.  You've also taken to watching Baby Einstein before bed.  This is the only show that you will pay attention to for a full 20 minutes.  You love to sit in my lap and watch, and then you peer over your shoulder at me for affirmation when you say certain words describing what's on the screen.  My heart explodes.  This is my favorite part of the day.  This is your sweetness.

Your Baby-ness is fading.

Your favorite book at the moment is "Goodnight Moon" and you run for your bedroom when I say, "Chloe let's go find the mouse."  You shout "mouse, mouse, mouse" until we find our way on to the floor, you situate yourself on my lap, pull up your blankie, and I open the book.  Then, you point to the mouse on every page.  It's our routine.  It fills my soul. 

Your Baby-ness is fading.

And amongst the squabbles over toys and food, and tantrums to go "side" (outside) and the spitfire that makes you who you are, you show us the sweetness; the kisses on command, puppy hugs and loves, and gentle stroking of sissy's hair.  You are the perfect mix of all that you should be.  Strong enough to stand up for yourself and your own desires, yet sweet enough to melt a heart. 

Your Baby-ness is fading.

As you continue to grow right in to the pre-schooler you are destined to be, I hope you continue to use your voice and stand up for what you want.  I hope you soak in the world around you and know that you are loved beyond words.  I hope the qualities that make you, you, even at 20 months, never change. 

You have a gift, my love, and I hope you use it.

Love you Forever & Always,
Momma

To Chloe Belle on her 18 Month Birthday

Dear Chloe Belle,

Just the other day I was joking with your daddy that we should just go down to the courthouse and officially change your middle name.  No one ever uses it, and it almost sounds absurd when I say your full name out loud.  Somehow, in the past 18 months you became our Chloe Belle, our Bellie Boo, or just plain Belle.  It is a nick name that somehow just picked you.  I love it, but I also love that you have my initials and for that reason we won't officially change your name, we'll just keep calling you what we love to call you.  And who knows, maybe one day you'll find that your real middle name suits you better than any other.

It seems to me that time is clipping by at an uncharted pace.  Every time I turn around you and your Sissy are surprising me with yet another milestone hurdled.  You now have several short sentences that you string together, "Where are you," and "What's this" are the most common.  You attempt to repeat almost any word that we tell you, sometimes it sounds just like the right word, "Kenzie" and "Madie" and sometimes it takes a secret decoder ring to figure out what you are trying to tell us.  You still sign for "More" "All done" and "Thank you" but more often than not you are using your words.

Now that you are becoming adjusted to your role as a toddler you are asserting your own will on those around you.  If you don't want to be held you are quick to tell us, either with words, or thrashing around until we realize that you are getting too big to contain.  You often play well with Sissy, side by side with similar toys, but not the same toys.  Sometimes you share brilliantly, especially if it is food or something that you have multiple pieces of.  But, when it comes to sharing your only sippy cup, a baby doll, or something that you believe is solely yours, you hold your ground.  You'll repeat "mine" until the sun sets, and you don't cave in.  You know what is yours and you hold on to that, you'll even bite to protect what is your own. 

At this age, I love watching you love your baby dolls.  How you stroke their heads, nestle them in a cradle, and feed them.  It's the sweetest thing ever, and I like to think you learned all of that from me.  I like to think that you love on your baby dolls the same way that I love on you. 

I also love moments like this:

Moments spent playing in the rain.  Moments where childhood soaks in. Moments where splashing & puddles bring unbridled joy and laughter.

In six short months, we'll be celebrating your 2 birthday.  We'll be blowing out candles and singing you the birthday song, and we'll be realizing that we no longer have a baby in the house.  What I wish for you in the next six months is that you continue to find your words while simultaneously finding your listening ears.  That you'll continue to explore your independence, but that you'll never wander too far away. 

My sweet Belle, I pray that you always know exactly what your place is in our family, exactly how much you are loved, and that there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you.
Love Forever & Always,
Momma

Always Look Back - A letter to my Lovies

C&C,

Have I told you lately how much sheer joy you bring to our lives?  Well, you do.  There are moments when the chaos is swirling, when I am competing with the TV for your attention, moments when teeth find their way out of mouths and on to skin, and moments where the squabbling over toys seems endless. 

And, then there are moments that are quiet as we read books before bedtime, as you play side by side in tubby, and moments when I feel like everything is as perfect as it could ever be.  Moments where I stop and count my blessings. 

Last night my heart could have exploded with joy, joy in something as unprofound as a wagon ride.  An after the bath, evening ride, down the block, with the cool wind against our skin, and the pure pleasure of being together.  The simple joy of watching my girls, my lifeline, side by side, enjoying themselves together.  Finding peace in our family unit, and joy in the way we have morphed from a couple into a family.  Life is good.

And, then late in the evening when Chloe awoke I was greeted by an odd and unfamiliar sound from the monitor.  Not the usual screaming and crying that ensues with middle-of-the-night wake-ups, but instead I heard "Mom-mmmyyy.  Mom-mmyyyy.  Mom-myyyy."  I couldn't get out of bed fast enough, to get to you Sweet Belle.  The sound of your baby voice was heavenly.  And, yet another milestone marked off the list.  Although you've always had a voice on you, you are now starting to really use your words, instead of your scream.  My heart melted as I rocked you last night, thinking that is the last first call I'll ever hear.

And, then this morning, Camdyn, you wandered out of your bedroom and found me in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher. You began singing the "Good Morning Beautiful" song to me.  The same song that I used to sing to you when I pulled you from your crib when you were a tot.  I couldn't help but to scoop you up in my arms, your legs dangling down past my knees and sing along with you.  How many more times will we do this?  The clock is ticking.

While I feel that tug and pull on my heart strings as you girls grow up and gain your independence right before my eyes, I also swell with joy watching you do exactly that.  There are moments when a wagon ride between sisters has me envisioning what the future holds.  I look at this picture and I see Camdyn at 16, pulling out of the driveway with little sissy in the passenger seat.  I picture you both taking your independence from wagon rides down the block to car rides to the mall. 

My hope for you as you grow up together, is that you always find a friend in each other.   That you grow up knowing that there isn't anything in the world that you can't confide in me or daddy.  That you grow up with confidence, security, and an overwhelming sense of who you are, where you come from, and what you stand for. 

But, my Lovies, I hope as you grow up and your lives take in you other directions, that you always look back.  That you always know that daddy and I will be standing in the driveway, watching you take hold of your future.  That you look back often enough to see that we are always here.

Love you Forever & Always,
Momma