Thursday, May 13, 2010

The One Where Hubs Yoga'd on the Baby

It's Tuesday night, about 8:00 and we are settling down for bedtime. The kids are bathed, Chloe is eating a graham cracker and the entire family is in Camdyn's bedroom picking up toys and winding down for the night.

It's story time, so I pick up one of my favorite books to read to the girls. Girls - plural. Cause when they are both participating in story time I have to read a book with minimal words on each page, and bright pictures. This cute little book accomplishes that and Chloe, with her 13 month old attention span, can almost pay attention to the entire story.  Did I mention that it rhymes and it contains the phrase "Llama Drama" which I snicker at every time I read it? 

So, there we are, all three of us snuggled on top of Camdyn's twin sized bed.  Chloe is on my lap swatting at the pages, Cam is leaning over my shoulder and I was reading theatrically.  I was entertaining them and thinking to myself that I should volunteer at their school to read stories to the children, because, I'm really good at it.  In that moment everything seemed right with the world.  The kids were peaceful, the hubs was sitting on the floor listening intently, or praying that my squeaky voice would stop - take your pick. And, we were bonding.  Seriously, this might have been my June Cleaver moment of the week  month year. 

So, I should have seen this coming. I should have heard the Jaws music somewhere in my head and known that the moment couldn't last, that somehow things could only go downhill from here.  But, that's not what I was thinking when baby Chloe leaned forward, and crawled off my lap and then swung her legs down over the side of the bed and scootched her little body down until her feet hit the floor.  Clearly she didn't want to hear the last 4 pages of the book.

So, I continue reading to Camdyn and look up just in time to see the Hubs like this! 
He's doing yoga in Camdyn's bedroom during story time, which doesn't seem like a big deal except... THE BABY!   OMG!  The baby is standing right below his MAN ASS that is three feet up in the air (he's 6'4" y'all, his feet were damn near the ceiling) and he has no idea that she is there!  In the .2 seconds it took me to assess this situation, I yell "LOOK OUT!" It's too late.  The man ass is already on a downward decent and sweet baby is within striking distance.  CONTACT.  BABY DOWN.  Chris rolls up to a seated position, his eyes are the size of a dinner plate.  He looks at me in SHEER FREAKIN' HORROR. 

Now, I must pause and offer a little comfort to dear Hubs and my readers who are probably floored that the baby was attacked unknowingly by an ass (literally. I am not referring to the hubs here because we do not name call - EVER).  But, from my angle, it wasn't that bad.  I saw the way she fell.  She fell straight backwards, kinda in one piece like the way the wind knocks over an empty garbage can.  Her feet were knocked out from under her and she fell on to the carpet. She wasn't crushed, as in, hit from the top and squashed down in to the carpet, now that woulda been bad. 

Baby was silent for a second before the 5 alarm scream.  Now, if you've never actually met my child then you have no idea how loud her scream really is.  I swear, she's gonna sing opera one day.  She'll be this little bitty half pint on the stage with a set of lungs that can swing the chandeliers.  My point, she was loud.  The peace?  GONE.  The moment?  GONE.  POOF.

So, I sit there.  No reaction.  Just watching the hubs as he scoops baby up and snuggles her screaming little red face in to his chest.  "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE WAS THERE?" I did.  It was too late.  I was reading a book, looking at the pages, I had no idea that you felt the urge to do yoga right then.  Enter Camdyn.  "Momma why is daddy yelling?"  "Because, he is scared for Chloe, Sweetie.  He got really scared." And, he was.  I don't think I've ever seen the man so scared except for the one time Camdyn had the seizure.  Remember that?  If not click here. Or the time Chloe had the Vaso Vegal reaction (note to self, blog about that on a day I'm feeling blessed), or the time she choked on a puff, or the time when Camdyn choked on an apple.  Okay, so I've seen that look on his face a few times, regardless, it isn't pretty.

Now don't you worry.  He's pretty much professional at calming the baby down and she settled down very quickly in his arms.  The hubs, however, took some serious calming down from me.  I went down the list:  She's fine.  It's carpet.  It's really hard for a baby to break a bone.  See she's walking.  It just scared her.  WHEW.

I left out the blame.  I left out the WTF were you doing yoga for anyway question (I figured he was probably bored and trying to keep his mind off  my shrieking voice).  And, I wished desperately that Chloe had stayed on my lap until the end of the story so that WE could have soaked up just a few more minutes of blissful family life. 

And, later that night, while the kids were sleeping soundly in their beds, and we were turning out our light, I chuckled to the hubs "You did yoga right on top of the baby. totally yoga'd her."


Liz & Jim Johnson said...

I'm glad Chloe's okay so we can laugh about it now.... Geeze, Chris!! Also a huge fan of Llama stories... We have 3 of them! :)

Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

OMG! I am giggling outloud at the mental image in my head of your husband doing yoga while you were reading and then dropping his tush on the little one. Sorry, husband, but it's funny! & she's find so it's OK if I giggle, right?

Carol said...

I laugh everytime I think about it! I mean, seriously, how does that happen?