Wordless Wednesday - Strength

"All things in life are temporary.  If things are going well enjoy it, they will not last forever. If things are going wrong don’t worry, they can't last long either."

~Author Unknown

My strength lies here...

In their smiles...

In their passion for horses and all things horse related....

In their hugs and snuggles and endless imaginations...

My strength lies in motherhood....in my ability to protect, forgive, and love unconditionally.

Everything absolutely changes with motherhood...priorities, responsibility, schedules, finances...

But the thing that changes the most - is the perception of LOVE.  They are walking, breathing, laughing, climbing, bickering, whiny, joyous, bodies of LOVE.

And I am stronger for it.

She jumps horses at Laurel Valley Ranch

Camdyn's affinity for horses spans back at least a year and half, and when you are freshly 6 years old, a year and a half is a big chunk of your life.  She's been taking private riding lessons since October.  It's something that I thought would eventually wear on her, like swimming lessons and dance classes, and those crowded gymnastics classes at the Y.  I thought it would run its course.  Well, it still is, and it's the one and only thing in life that Cam has ever been fiercely dedicated to.

Hi.  Let me introduce you to Market.  (Initially I wrote Meet Market...but that sounds odd...like meat market, and y'all we are at the ranch not at the gym).

Market is a registered American Quarter Horse, and Cam has only ridden her twice.  It turns out that her trot is smooth and her temperament trusting. 

It turns out that Market is Cam's new favorite horse (so sorry Molly...baby girl is outgrowing you).

Cam's perfecting her 2 point position, she has her crop in hand.  She's focused on the goals ahead.  She's about to turn the corner...

Focus and determination painted across her face, much the same as Market bears her blaze.  She will do this...

And she does; without fear, or doubts, or hesitation.  She jumps.  She's locked in 2 point, hands grasping mane and her crop, momentum forward, looking through Market's ears and focused on the end of the course.  2 jumps completed, one right after the other. 

This is her success. 

Actually, no, this is our success.  Our success in raising one extremely independent, bold, and fearless little girl. 

A little girl who is able to start recognizing her dreams.  A little girl who has parents who support her and her passions even though there are moments where it absolutely scares the bejezus out of me (and yes, she's already fallen off a few times).

And this part of parenthood...you know the part where your children start becoming little people, with long term goals, feelings that they adequately communicate, and real accomplishments...makes me so excited about what the future holds. 

We are going to tackle these rails together, Camdyn.  One hoof in front of the other, eyes focused on the goal....we are going to do it.

Wordless Wednesday - Happiness

"Happiness is when what you think,

what you say,

and what you do

are in harmony."

~Mohandas Gandhi

 

Out to dinner with Camdyn on her 6th birthday. 

Now We Are Six

"When I was One,

I had just begun.

When I was Two,

I was nearly new.

When I was Three

I was hardly me.

When I was Four,

I was not much more.

When I was Five,

I was just alive.

But now I am Six,

I'm as clever as clever,

So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever."

~Now We Are Six, A.A. Milne

Dearest Camdyn,
It's hard to believe it's been a year since my last birthday letter to you.  When I revisit my description of you last year, I simply smile.  Time is evolving and ever changing, and none of us are the same people we were a year ago.  You, my love, have replaced the defiance with compliance and understanding.  Kindergarten has matured you quickly.  You are now the peacekeeper with your sister far more often than you are the fire starter.  At times she will pull out fists full of your hair and your response is "Hey. Why'd you do that?"  It amazes me that you never retaliate.  You know your role in our family.  You know that you are the leader and the example for Chloe, and you are so comfortable in that role.

For this coming year, my wish for you is that you continue to love school, and reading, and that you feel loved and safe and secure.  I hope you continue to grow confident in who you are and that you stand by what is important to you.  And, I hope you know exactly how much you are loved.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl,

Love You Forever & Always,
Momma

Hope Floats

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning.

Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."

~Hope Floats, 1998

Dear Friends,
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words over the last several weeks.  I spent the last 8 days back home where I was in the care and company of family.  I was home where my Momma took care of me; she reminded me to eat, and to nap, and to get out of the house.  She hugged me when I cried so hard my shoulders shook.  She cried with me and she sat with me when I didn't feel like talking.  She gave me gifts wrapped in beautiful paper and reminded me that I am worth it.  She reminded me that I should feel beautiful and proud of who I am.  I am still who I am.  I may have lost 12 pounds, but I haven't lost me.

I stand here today amidst the rubble; chunks of concrete laden with miscommunication and lost intentions.  My choice is to pick up those blocks one by one and rebuild; build something that is bigger, and better, and stronger than what was there before.  I don't know how long that will take and there is no blueprint, but I'm going to start laying the foundation of a happier me.    

Any way I look at it, I will be happier. 

I have hope.

~~~~~~
I won't be writing any more about these muddy waters, at least not until the water is clear again.  This space is mine, it's my life story, but I know I am not going to want to revisit or relive this part of it, so it has no place here.  Thank you for your prayers, your support, and the shoulders to cry on.  If you have any perils of wisdom please email me.

Crisis

Hearts are Breaking

Promises Broken

Doors are shutting

claustrophobia

Where is the window?

I can't breathe

Helpless

Spiraling

Shards of broken glass where a dream once stood

Big brown eyes and fear for the future

Betrayal and Lies and Selfishness

Where is my karma? 

Faith, healing, peace, the new objects of my dreams

There is a God and he will not foresake me

He will embrace me and lift me up

He will protect my children from callous decisions and unnecessary evils

I have faith

**In my absence from this space where I share my life and my creativity, please pray for me and for my family.  Although, I have no idea how God will answer these prayers, I know he will, and I know he has a plan for me.  He is my rock and my redeemer and he is a God of love and mercy, and most certainly he will get me through this.

There Will Be Plenty of Time for Tears....Later.

A few weeks ago we noticed that our dog didn't have much of an appetite. She would no longer finish the food in her bowl, and she started losing weight.  On the Sunday after Thanksgiving she wouldn't come out from under our bed, and when we did coax her out, her ears were flat against her head, her tail was down, and she looked scared.  I knew something was wrong.
So, I took her to the vet on Monday.  She'd lost 3 lbs.  They decided to draw blood.

Last Tuesday the vet called with the results...her kidneys are failing her.  At the most, she has 6 months, at the least 2 weeks.  It's day to day, really.   We've been telling our girls that Kenzie is sick, but I couldn't bring myself to elaborate.  We've been meaning to sit down and explain it to them...but it's one of those things that feels better to put off.  It feels better to avoid reality.

Fast forward to Sunday evening, and I decide that we should give Christmas photos a stab since December is fading and my to-do list is not getting shorter.  The hubs was running errands and I gathered the girls and the dog around the tree.  "Let's just get a few shots...Momma only needs a few."

It wasn't going so well...

The dog was cooperating but the kids were not.  So then I say, in my cheeriest voice,

"Come on girls!  We need just one photo with Kenzie.  This is her last Christmas!" 

As soon as the words escaped my mouth I knew I made a huge mistake.  Camdyn never misses a beat, nothing gets by her. 

"Why is this her last Chrismas Momma?" 
"Um, because she is sick, Cam, and she will probably be with Jesus next Christmas."
"But...I don't want her to die.  I don't want another dog.  I want Kenzie."

It's too late.  The conversation went in the total opposite direction of happy Christmas card.  She started to cry.  I started to cry.  And through heaving shoulders and her heavy sobs, I explained just how sick Kenzie is....and it wasn't easy. 

We hugged.  I encouraged her to love Kenzie every moment she can while she is still here.  Kenzie licked her tears and I explained that Kenzie doesn't want her to be sad.  There will be time for tears later.

I never did get another smile from my oldest girl that evening, but the doggie got a lot of love. 

There will be plenty of time for tears later.  She is going to be missed.