Thursday, December 29, 2011

Hope Floats

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning.
Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."
~Hope Floats, 1998


Dear Friends,
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words over the last several weeks.  I spent the last 8 days back home where I was in the care and company of family.  I was home where my Momma took care of me; she reminded me to eat, and to nap, and to get out of the house.  She hugged me when I cried so hard my shoulders shook.  She cried with me and she sat with me when I didn't feel like talking.  She gave me gifts wrapped in beautiful paper and reminded me that I am worth it.  She reminded me that I should feel beautiful and proud of who I am.  I am still who I am.  I may have lost 12 pounds, but I haven't lost me.

I stand here today amidst the rubble; chunks of concrete laden with miscommunication and lost intentions.  My choice is to pick up those blocks one by one and rebuild; build something that is bigger, and better, and stronger than what was there before.  I don't know how long that will take and there is no blueprint, but I'm going to start laying the foundation of a happier me.    

Any way I look at it, I will be happier. 

I have hope.

I won't be writing any more about these muddy waters, at least not until the water is clear again.  This space is mine, it's my life story, but I know I am not going to want to revisit or relive this part of it, so it has no place here.  Thank you for your prayers, your support, and the shoulders to cry on.  If you have any perils of wisdom please email me.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


Hearts are Breaking
Promises Broken
Doors are shutting
Where is the window?
I can't breathe
Shards of broken glass where a dream once stood
Big brown eyes and fear for the future
Betrayal and Lies and Selfishness
Where is my karma? 
Faith, healing, peace, the new objects of my dreams
There is a God and he will not foresake me
He will embrace me and lift me up
He will protect my children from callous decisions and unnecessary evils
I have faith

**In my absence from this space where I share my life and my creativity, please pray for me and for my family.  Although, I have no idea how God will answer these prayers, I know he will, and I know he has a plan for me.  He is my rock and my redeemer and he is a God of love and mercy, and most certainly he will get me through this.

Monday, December 5, 2011

There Will Be Plenty of Time for Tears....Later.

A few weeks ago we noticed that our dog didn't have much of an appetite. She would no longer finish the food in her bowl, and she started losing weight.  On the Sunday after Thanksgiving she wouldn't come out from under our bed, and when we did coax her out, her ears were flat against her head, her tail was down, and she looked scared.  I knew something was wrong.
So, I took her to the vet on Monday.  She'd lost 3 lbs.  They decided to draw blood.

Last Tuesday the vet called with the results...her kidneys are failing her.  At the most, she has 6 months, at the least 2 weeks.  It's day to day, really.   We've been telling our girls that Kenzie is sick, but I couldn't bring myself to elaborate.  We've been meaning to sit down and explain it to them...but it's one of those things that feels better to put off.  It feels better to avoid reality.

Fast forward to Sunday evening, and I decide that we should give Christmas photos a stab since December is fading and my to-do list is not getting shorter.  The hubs was running errands and I gathered the girls and the dog around the tree.  "Let's just get a few shots...Momma only needs a few."

It wasn't going so well...


The dog was cooperating but the kids were not.  So then I say, in my cheeriest voice,

"Come on girls!  We need just one photo with Kenzie.  This is her last Christmas!" 

As soon as the words escaped my mouth I knew I made a huge mistake.  Camdyn never misses a beat, nothing gets by her. 

"Why is this her last Chrismas Momma?" 
"Um, because she is sick, Cam, and she will probably be with Jesus next Christmas."
"But...I don't want her to die.  I don't want another dog.  I want Kenzie."

It's too late.  The conversation went in the total opposite direction of happy Christmas card.  She started to cry.  I started to cry.  And through heaving shoulders and her heavy sobs, I explained just how sick Kenzie is....and it wasn't easy. 


We hugged.  I encouraged her to love Kenzie every moment she can while she is still here.  Kenzie licked her tears and I explained that Kenzie doesn't want her to be sad.  There will be time for tears later.
I never did get another smile from my oldest girl that evening, but the doggie got a lot of love. 

There will be plenty of time for tears later.  She is going to be missed.