Monday, June 25, 2012

Irretrievably Broken

I lay awake in my bed on Thursday night, the clock says 3:38 am, this post tumbling around in my head like wet towels in a dryer.  I have words that must be said.  I have a story that must be told.  This is my therapy, it's cheap, it's cathartic.


It's broken. 

Irretrievably broken. 

And that's what the papers will say. 

It's been six months since my world fell apart.  The rug of routine, stability, and contentment, swept right out from underneath me.  In those six months I've spent hours looking in the mirror, reflecting on what my role was in this marital apocalypse and then I spent months making changes. 

Changing me for the better.  Changing me for the happier, but all the while something was amiss.  I felt it in my heart, like a piece of apple skin stuck between your teeth, I just couldn't quite get at it. 

Source: via Carol on Pinterest

And then it became crystal clear.

I gave it my everything.  I forgave him the 7th commandment.  I opened my heart, swallowed my dignity, set aside my self-esteem, self-worth, and my own needs, all the while staying true to who I am and what I believe in.  My values never change.  And I tried.  I fought.  I loved him through it.  And I was mostly successful at finding my smile on a daily basis. 

The trick, friends, is not to put your key to happiness in someone Else's pocket. 

He no longer holds my key.

I do.

There is power and peace in that. 

And this is my comfort.

There have been many dark hours for me over the last six months and there may be more to come.
But, HE is with me.  He will hold my hand through the ups and downs and challenges that await me.  I am ready for that.  HE wraps his arms around me and covers me with grace and mercy.  This is my story and my journey and I'm not going to spend one more minute digging my heels in the sand against it.  I have accepted it.

Source: via Carol on Pinterest

This morning my left ring finger is empty.  It feels odd.  Naked. 

But, on my right ring finger, there sits a ring.  Sterling & turquoise and passed down to me by my Momma.  It was a ring my father bought her back in their glory days.  It has a history and is part of their story...but to me, it represents the strength of a single mom.  Those years were hard on her I'm sure, but those years were happy.  I had a great childhood and my children will too. 

This is my road.  And I will walk it. 

I am NOT irretrievably Broken. 


Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

I have been thinking about you my friend. I am proud of you. It takes so much courage to do what is right for you. You are so right about God. He will be with you through it all. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always here for you. You are not broken, you are just finding a new way to fly. You are one awesome woman and mommy. Never, never doubt that.

Dani & Co. said...

Your strength is such a gift. Hugs and I know you always know you are loved unconditionally, always!

LeeAnn said...

I am so proud of you for having the courage to write this. I truly believe in my heart that happiness is out there for you, but you are right that you have to hold that key.

I am here for you. Always. Any time. I love you!

Jennifer said...

I am here for you, I always have been and always will be. You know my thoughts on the situation and I am so proud of you for trying to save something that was important to you, but even prouder for worrying about you and the girls more. You will be happy again. I will email you later.

Tesha Vann said...

Oh Carol I am soooo sorry to hear this. I can hear the peace within your decision though. Thinking of you

Nessa Bixler said...

I know that this isn't the way you hoped things would go. Thinking and praying for you. You are so right, you are never alone. Your girls are so very lucky to have such a loving, caring mommy to look up to.

vickie.l.gonzales said...

I am here for you if you need anything. Prayers for all. Love, Chicky

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

You are such a strong woman. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Tracy Fritzsching said...

you are so strong and so loved by many. hugs and continued prayers for you.

Mama Hen said...

I am praying for you my friend! You are a strong beautiful woman who will go forward with light all around you guiding the way.

Mama Hen