Irretrievably Broken

I lay awake in my bed on Thursday night, the clock says 3:38 am, this post tumbling around in my head like wet towels in a dryer.  I have words that must be said.  I have a story that must be told.  This is my therapy, it's cheap, it's cathartic.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It's broken. 

Irretrievably broken. 

And that's what the papers will say. 

It's been six months since my world fell apart.  The rug of routine, stability, and contentment, swept right out from underneath me.  In those six months I've spent hours looking in the mirror, reflecting on what my role was in this marital apocalypse and then I spent months making changes. 

Changing me for the better.  Changing me for the happier, but all the while something was amiss.  I felt it in my heart, like a piece of apple skin stuck between your teeth, I just couldn't quite get at it. 

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And then it became crystal clear.

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I gave it my everything.  I forgave him the 7th commandment.  I opened my heart, swallowed my dignity, set aside my self-esteem, self-worth, and my own needs, all the while staying true to who I am and what I believe in.  My values never change.  And I tried.  I fought.  I loved him through it.  And I was mostly successful at finding my smile on a daily basis. 

The trick, friends, is not to put your key to happiness in someone Else's pocket. 

He no longer holds my key.

I do.

There is power and peace in that. 

And this is my comfort.

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There have been many dark hours for me over the last six months and there may be more to come.
But, HE is with me.  He will hold my hand through the ups and downs and challenges that await me.  I am ready for that.  HE wraps his arms around me and covers me with grace and mercy.  This is my story and my journey and I'm not going to spend one more minute digging my heels in the sand against it.  I have accepted it.

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This morning my left ring finger is empty.  It feels odd.  Naked. 

But, on my right ring finger, there sits a ring.  Sterling & turquoise and passed down to me by my Momma.  It was a ring my father bought her back in their glory days.  It has a history and is part of their story...but to me, it represents the strength of a single mom.  Those years were hard on her I'm sure, but those years were happy.  I had a great childhood and my children will too. 

This is my road.  And I will walk it. 

I am NOT irretrievably Broken. 

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We Are Glass

Sometimes a song just speaks...

Wordless Wednesday - This Homie Says...

I am fortunate. 

Fortunate to have girlfriends that criss cross the country and time.

Girlfriends that laugh with me, cry with me, and eat ice cream late at night with me.

They get me.  They know me through and through. 

And most importantly they stand with me, shoulder to shoulder through it all.

And to that one special friend....

I am here. 

And I never left.

Pomp and Circumstance - Kindergarten Style

It seems like just yesterday that I snapped these photos of Camdyn on her first day of Kindergarten.  She was so happy she was glowing and not a tear was shed as her Daddy and I kissed her goodbye that morning in her classroom. 

And now, here we sit at the end of May, the end of the school year approaching like a freight train. 

Kindergarten is nearly over. 

She grew up immensely this past year...and she had a ton of fun doing it. 

Come to think of it...we all grew up immensely this year. 

Where she began to lay the groundwork for good work habits, study skills, and focus.  I began to lay the groundwork for personal happiness, goals, and a functional family.

 


 

Where she declared victory for earning 20 reading counts points and getting her picture on the tree in the media center, I declared my own personal victory.  I am happier than I was before...maybe not every day, but in general I am happier and healthier. 

I told you.  :)

Where she did gem mining and learned about rocks.  I moved rocks too.  Actually, more like big chunks of concrete.  I took a long hard look in the mirror and I made changes.  Changes that make my life better and more active.  Changes that put priorities in order. 


She learned about rocks with the help of a guide.  I moved mine with the help of dozens; friends, pastors, therapists, my family and God.  It takes a lot of people, and a lot of power to move big rocks, but I am doing it....steadily and with help.

And throughout the year, she continued with her riding lessons.  She's posting like a pro, she's jumping rails and still looking forward to every lesson.  She's found her passion.  We've rediscovered ours.

It's up and it's down.  It's life. 

And friendships make it easier.

Maybe it really is true, that everything you need to know, you learn in Kindergarten. 

It's been a year of learning for all of us.

Last night Camdyn graduated from Kindergarten.  We are so proud of all her accomplishments this year.  She's grown, she's changed, but she's still our energetic, exuberant little girl.   

A little girl who has learned the trick of an "open mouth smile" from her Momma.

 Open Mouth Smile = Super Happy and Copious Amounts of FUN!

In celebration, we had yogurt at OrangeLeaf after the ceremony....nothing says celebration like ice cream with any topping your heart desires!

Please hang with this wiggly and over-zoomed video until the 3:10 mark.  It'll be worth the giggle.  Promise. (Taylor Swift Cam is in the back row)



I am so proud of you, Cam!  I'm hoping that first grade brings a whole lot of sunshine with it. 

Love you!
Forever n Always,
Momma

-Working On- One

It's been awhile, months actually.  Months since I charged up the battery, loaded my backpack and set out to shoot for someone else.    It felt good...normal and natural.  And normal is something that I cling to almost as fervently as hope and faith. 

45 minutes we spent on the hill, a family of 3 and me.  He's turning one.

Twelve months of sleepless nights, soothing, and worrying, are going to be celebrated.  But more importantly, twelve months of undeniable joy.  Joy in looking in to eyes that you recognize as your own, joy at first smiles, first steps, and milestone moments that happen nearly every day.  Joy in realizing that this little tiny human is fulfilling your purpose in life.

Realizing they aren't just our future, they are also part of our past; soaking up and absorbing all of our traditions and experiences.  They are living pieces of us, a record of our life experiences and the roads we traveled.   They are everything we will them to be. 

Yes.  I remember first birthdays.

Wordless Wednesday - Lessons to Learn

Wordy Wednesday - Truth

"I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday

and I love today."

~author unknown

A kind woman at our church offered to take this photo of us on Saturday.  I can't remember the last time all four of us made it in one frame.  Sure, Chloe is doing her own thing, and yes the sun was in our eyes...but we are all here...all 4 of us.  This photo is a treasure to me.

And then there was anticipation, and eggs strewn about, and little girls who had trouble resisting the urge to jump the gun.  I love it when she smiles so big her eyes disappear....just like her momma.

There is grass and eggs, and the smells of spring...a time of year for new beginnings, new life, refreshed spirits, and new promises.  A resurection. 

She's 6.  She couldn't wait to hunt those eggs and even scoped and staked out a coveted golden egg for her baby sister.  I wonder how many hunts she has left in her...you know, before this becomes child's play for her instead of awe and wonderment. 

Last year Easter made me homesick.  This year it didn't, not in the slightest.  This year I didn't spend the day wishing I was somewhere else....I spent it appreciating exactly where I am.  A day spent just the four of us, running, playing, flying kites, napping, lounging, hiding eggs and baskets; grilling, laughing, swimming...and just being - a family; it was and is everything a holiday should be. 

This my friends, is appreciation in its purest form.